" Not really. I don't intend to tell him. It was not his fault. I mean it didn't take much to seduce me ... if he was even trying. It was just a big mistake for both of us. We both apologized the next day and agreed to never do it again. I don't want to ruin his marriage." I guess I can understand that," I said, still fighting my jealously. "What about Dad, does he know?" No, and I don't intend to tell him either," she said with thinly veiled anger. "He'll find out soon enough anyway."Mom looked at me and started to cry again. I got up and came around and knelt at her feet and hugged her."I don't know what to do. I'm so ashamed," she said and continued to cry. Then she slipped to her knees in front of me, placing her hands over her face, sobbing.My heart was being ripped from my chest. I held her shoulders, unsure what to do no. I was just no good when a woman was crying. I repeated for the tenth time, "We'll get through this." I tried to sound confident. I was the man of the house. It occurred to me each time that itwouldn't take much for me to pass as a woman. Perhaps I was just seeingwhat I wanted to see, but I thought I was beautiful.I still thought of myself, though, as a man -- probably just aheterosexual man with a gay fantasy.Finally, my year was over and it was time for me to leave my Connecticuthome at age 19 and go off to college at the University of New Hampshire.After a tearful goodbye to Mom and Dad (my sister was already off toschool in Boston), I drove off in the used car I had bought. It wasraining and a bit chilly when I got to New Hampshire. I got a little loston my way to the campus, and in my wanderings, I noticed a rather largeadult book store and arcade, and made a mental note to check it outlater. I had decided I wanted to buy a dildo, just to see what it feltlike. I may be too scared to actually be with a man, but I felt itwouldn't do any harm to see what a dildo felt like as long as I could begentle with myself.It was late by the time I.
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